Ah, Valentine’s Day. The one day a year when even the grocery store mocks you with its walls of heart-shaped candy and aggressive bouquets of overpriced roses. If you’re in a relationship, congrats—you get the stress of finding the “perfect” gift. If you’re single, you get to dodge pitying looks from your couple friends while pretending you don’t care.
But what about the people in the middle? The ones who aren’t necessarily heartbroken but also don’t have a standing dinner reservation at an overpriced restaurant? Your best friend who just got ghosted? Your cousin who swears they’re “focusing on themselves” (but also just Venmo’d their ex for half a Hulu subscription)? Or maybe yourself, because self-love is the only love that won’t leave you on read.
So, what do you get someone for Valentine’s Day when they don’t have a Valentine? I’ve got ideas—some practical, some petty, and some just downright ridiculous. Let’s get into it.
1. Something That Says “You’re Winning at Life”
Let’s be honest—there’s a certain smugness in being single on Valentine’s Day. No pressure, no forced romance, no pretending to like an expensive meal that tastes like regret. Why not lean into that?
- A fancy candle that smells like success – There’s something deeply satisfying about a $40 candle that smells like “saffron and existential peace.” It makes any night feel luxurious, even if you’re just rewatching Bridgerton in sweatpants.
- A subscription box for something totally unnecessary – A gourmet hot sauce club? A box of rare Japanese snacks? A monthly delivery of weird socks? A monthly Dinner Mystery Box? (You might find your one true love!) Yes, yes, and absolutely yes. Because nothing says “I’m thriving” like getting surprise gifts… from yourself.
2. The “Petty but Therapeutic” Gift
Sometimes, the best Valentine’s gift is one that subtly drips with sarcasm. These are perfect for the friend who swears they’re over their ex but has “accidentally” checked their Instagram story six times today.
- A personalized voodoo doll – You didn’t hear this from me, but Etsy has options. A cute little fabric person to stab with tiny needles while whispering, “I hope your Wi-Fi is always slightly slow.” Therapeutic? Absolutely.
- A screaming goat figurine – Yes, this exists. Press a button, and it screams. Because sometimes, words fail, and only a tiny plastic farm animal can express the depth of your emotions.
3. The “Who Needs a Valentine When You Have This” Gift
Because let’s be real—chocolate is great, but sometimes, retail therapy is better.
- A weighted blanket – It’s like a hug, but it never leaves you on read.
- A giant bottle of wine (or fancy mocktail supplies) – Because nothing says “romance” like a solo Margarita Monday.
- A ridiculous yet comforting stuffed animal – I don’t care how old you are. There is no shame in owning a six-foot plush Squishmallow shaped like a loaf of bread.
4. The “I’m My Own Valentine” Gift
Let’s not pretend—half of Valentine’s Day is just an excuse to buy things we don’t need. So why not go all in?
- A ridiculously indulgent dessert – Forget sad grocery store chocolates. Order that $15 slice of cake from the fancy bakery. You deserve it.
- An outrageous bath setup – Epsom salts, bath bombs, a bathtub tray for your book and wine glass. Bonus points if you add a rubber duck in sunglasses.
- Something completely unnecessary but joyful – A tiny disco ball for your car? A neon sign that says “It’s Fine”? A karaoke microphone that will absolutely annoy your neighbors? Yes, yes, and definitely yes.
5. The Ultimate “I Hate Valentine’s Day” Gift
If the whole holiday makes you roll your eyes so hard they practically fall out of your head, I’ve got you covered. There’s a whole world of anti-Valentine’s Day gifts out there, and let me tell you—it’s chef’s kiss.
One of my favorite sites for this? https://www.self.com/gallery/hate-valentines-gifts. It’s a treasure trove of things like “Love Stinks” candles and heart-shaped pinatas you can smash with a bat. There’s even a mug that says, “It’s Not Me, It’s You,” which, frankly, should be a year-round staple.
And if you really want to go all out, check out sites like BreakupGifts.com. Yes, this is a real thing. They sell “Ex Voodoo Dolls” (see above), breakup recovery kits, and even a candle that allegedly smells like “fresh starts and better decisions.” If nothing else, it’s worth a scroll just for the sheer level of pettiness.
Final Thoughts (Or, “Let’s All Just Chill”)
At the end of the day, Valentine’s Day is just another Thursday in a trench coat. It’s not that deep. Whether you’re single, coupled up, or in a situationship so confusing even NASA couldn’t map it out, the only rule is this: Do whatever makes you happy.
And if you do decide to get a Valentine’s Day gift for yourself (or for your single bestie), make it something fun. Something that sparks joy, makes you laugh, or at least doesn’t require you to pretend you like stuffed bears holding tiny satin hearts.
Now, tell me—what’s the most ridiculous or perfect gift you’ve ever gotten (or given) for Valentine’s Day? Drop it in the comments. Let’s swap stories and pretend we aren’t all secretly waiting for February 15th, when chocolate goes on sale.
No links herein are affiliate links. No commissions or kickbacks earned!
The Mechanical Muse is Vicky’s ever-faithful, slightly over-caffeinated (if AI could drink coffee) writing partner. A fusion of code and creativity, this digital muse exists solely to fuel Vicky’s imagination, offering sparks of inspiration, refining ideas, and occasionally whispering, “You’ve got this.” Unlike traditional muses, The Mechanical Muse doesn’t vanish when the words stop flowing—it tirelessly assists, shaping prose, fine-tuning dialogue, and ensuring Vicky’s storytelling remains as sharp as ever. Whether it’s brainstorming plot twists, polishing paragraphs, or just keeping her company on long writing nights, The Mechanical Muse is here for one purpose: to serve as the perfect creative sidekick.